


Tourist Trap

by EA_Lakambini



Series: Orbital Resonance: GOC2020 [17]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Good Omens Celebration 2020, Holidays, Humor, Road Trips, These two are chaotic in making itineraries, fun times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24247762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EA_Lakambini/pseuds/EA_Lakambini
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley enjoy the attractions at Blackpool. Sort of.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Orbital Resonance: GOC2020 [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725724
Kudos: 5
Collections: Good Omens Celebration





	Tourist Trap

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Kerrigan-Lowdermilk's "Vegas". Also, just a heads-up, I have never been to Blackpool (heck, I've never been to the UK; I am a sad sad person), so I'm just basing this off travel reviews. But it does sound like a fun place for the boys to spend a day!
> 
> Prompt: holiday.

“Angel!”

“Crowley, shall we?”

“Y’know where we’re going?”

“Yes! We’re going on holiday!”

“Are you ready for a road trip? Is that really all your stuff? Angel, this is a day trip. Do you really need to bring Shakespeare’s collection of sonnets?”

“Oh, yes, definitely. So let’s get to your car, Crowley.”

“It’s a four-hour drive to Blackpool, yeah, but we’ll make it in three – “

“Keep it at four, dear, and get us there _alive._ ”

“Ugh, come on, angel, _live_ a little. We’re on vacation! And when have I ever not driven you anywhere safely? I challenge you to name _one_ time.”

“I’m not even going to go there. I suppose the ride will go faster if we get some pastries on the way? Although I did pack us some snacks in case we get peckish while on the road.”

“As long as I get to control the radio. So… where are we going first?”

“Well, we’re pulling up now – well done on such a quick drive, my dear – so I suppose we can just go for a nice stroll in Central Pier, for starters? Lovely view and all. And I think there’s Sandcastle Waterpark too, so we can go there next.”

“Aziraphale, I am not drunk enough for this. You’ll need to get some whiskey in me before I agree to get into Speedos.”

“My dear, _you’re_ the one who insists on wearing those things. Are you required to wear them? Is it because you invented them? Anyway, you could just wear a swimming costume like mine! See, it’s got quite a nice pattern on it, too – “

“Oh no no _no,_ angel; for the swimming costume, you’ll have to give me whiskey _and_ tequila. And even then, I probably won’t wear that… thing. Is that _tartan? Seriously?”_

“I’ve always said that you just don’t appreciate timeless fashion design. Now am I going to have to push you down the slide or are you going to hang in there all day? There’s a line behind us!”

“I can very well do it myse – _ANGEL! I SAID I COULD DO IT!”_

“… Oh, apologies, I think my hand slipped.”

“I’m going to get you for that, you bastard. You’re going ahead on the next slide, and I’ll be waiting at the end with a water cannon.”

“Don’t be such a stick in the mud; now, maybe you’d like to dry off someplace else? I heard there’s something called a trampoline park, too.”

“Oh _yes,_ I can definitely push you there.”

“Oooh, this is quite nice, actually; it kind of feels like bouncing on a cloud! If it were a cloud that I also had to steer in order to dodge silly foam dodge balls.”

“If you don’t want to dodge them, I can just toss you into the foam pit. Same difference. See?”

“OUCH! Look, Crowley, just because you’re upset that I beat you at the Total Wipeout course – “

“ _You didn’t beat me!_ I felt it, you used a miracle to make the spinning arm speed up! I invented foam obstacle courses; I am the _master_ of them – ”

“And I invented foam, so that takes precedence. Can we get some food? I’m rather hungry now.”

“I get to pick where we’re going, angel. Let’s eat at Blackpool Tower; I want to try that bar that’s like three hundred feet in the air.”

“I said I was _hungry,_ Crowley. This place is mostly alcohol. And don’t you find it a bit odd to be drinking while on a glass floor that’s extended over the sea?”

“Relax, angel, it’s just like drinking while flying. ‘S a reeeeeally nice view! Haven’t you done that before? And here, look, I can order you some fish and chips – “

“Crowley. I absolutely must interrupt you. You have known me for six thousand years. And you dare to offer me _fish and chips?”_

“Fine, fine, I think they’ve got pie. You’re okay with pie, right?”

“Pie is… acceptable. And to answer your previous question: no, I have never tried flying while drinking. Can you imagine the _mess?_ Red wine is near impossible to wash out of white robes, my dear.”

“Just because you don’t want to use miracles for ‘em. So, we’re trying out the Dungeon next, yeah?”

“You vain thing, you just want to see if they included you in the show about the Middle Age torture chambers. And besides, didn’t you say the humans came up with most of those?”

“Eh, sure, but my reports eventually got Hell to include thumbscrews under regular inventory. And I did look good in the torturer outfits. So I guess that’s kind of a thing – oh come _on,_ Aziraphale, you were there when all this happened, why are you looking so pissed at the bit about the Crusades?”

“That was a policy decision that was horribly misinterpreted by the humans. Oh, this whole era really wasn’t much fun, and Pestilence had to go and cause _such_ a mess towards the end of it. Shall we get going to the next stop, dear boy?”

“Ugh, do we really have to go to Madame Tussauds, angel?”

“It’s going to be fun, my dear! Come on now! And I know you’d want to get a picture with Lewis Hamilton.”

“I don’t _want_ a photo with him; I want to race against him and prove that the Bentley is a superior car in every way, compared to his little Formula One ‘race car’. Easily so.”

“Well, _I’m_ getting a picture with Susan Boyle. I thought she sang beautifully, that one time I saw her on your telly, and – Good Lord, Crowley, _stop that_! There’s no need to do… _that_ to Sir David Attenborough!”

“Tch, I’m not calling him ‘Sir’. He filmed me in an awkward… _snake_ situation and put the damn thing on _Life on Earth._ Beez was laughing about it for months, even put out a required-watching memo Downstairs. Never forgiving him for that! Quick, angel, snap the photo while I’m punching his – “

“I really ought to rewatch _Life on Earth_ , then; you never mentioned this to me before, my dear.”

“And we will never mention it again. Can we get to the roller coasters now? Mm, I think that was quite a good team output from us both. Pleasure Beach has got a pretty good one.”

“You get all pale and shout-y on those things, Crowley. I’m really not sure if you actually enjoy them. Do demons have adrenaline?”

“ _This_ demon does. And a lot of alcohol. It’s going to be _wild._ ”

“I’m not helping you clean up if you end up vomiting.”

_“WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”_

“… I am really uncertain now if you and I are truly the same age.”

“Again, again! And then you get to pick the next one, angel, I promise.”

“You promised me that we could watch a show, Crowley.”

“Yep, yep, and we’re watching one. We’re watching _Funny Girls!”_

“My goodness, how _do_ they balance those headdresses while doing all the high kicks? My dear, I do think you may have encouraged them too much when you invented the can-can before.”

“Aww _yes,_ this song is an absolute _bop,_ angel! Come on, dance with me!”

“Just how much alcohol have you drunk, my dear? And – oh, all right, I think I can do that. Bit of a wiggle with the bum, and then you wave your arms about, like… how did you say it? Like you just don’t care?”

“Hahaha, that’s it, angel! I wish we could take our wings out; we’d put these costumes to shame. And I’ve got moves that will leave Blackpool falling in line to get on the highway to Hell!”

“I’m certain that highway is just as congested as the M25, dear. But this is quite some nice bebop, like you said! I _was_ quite a regular in the cabarets in the old days – “

“Now _that’s_ something you haven’t mentioned before. Ah, this was fun! Now, which of these ‘I <3 BPL’ shirts will fit you? I’ll get you a white one; you’re obviously not going to try anything else.”

“Well… you did say to live a little, my dear. And this is a souvenir of quite a nice holiday! I do think that calls for a _beige_ shirt!”

“Satan, never thought I’d see the day! _Another color!_ That’s crazy! Blackpool, baby!”

“Crowley – “

“Fuck yeah, Blackpool! Blackpool, baby! BLACKPOOOOOOOL!”

“… My dear, you do realize we didn’t leave your flat.”

“Right, right, but – ”

“But that was a lot of _excellent_ alcohol we had!”

“Oh, yeah. Nice touch with the miracles, too, angel. Cheers!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for dropping by!


End file.
